It was the middle of winter and a strong eddy blew at my face. Most people were at home spending Christmas break with their family, but for me I was on the streets all alone. I looked inside a stranger’s window and could see a family. They were giggling and drinking hot chocolate by the fire, just like my family once did. I had to turn away as the memories of my family and the happiness we shared came flooding back. Tears started rolling down my cheeks as I continued down the boardwalk.
After my dad died, I prayed every night for things in my house to return to normal, but my mom started drinking and blamed me for my dad’s death, thus nothing was the same. We used to be the perfect family, but now I was on my own. I ran away before, but I came back because I didn’t have food or shelter, then my mom taught me a “lesson” or so she called it. This “lesson” involved my drunken mother throwing her empty vodka bottles at me calling me a horrible child and hitting me until she passed out on the couch. Right now, I was debating whether to go back to her. While I was thinking, I bumped into a man. Of course, he noticed that I was all alone and started a conversation.
“Hey there little man my name is Jasper, and I work over at Sarah’s Café, I’m the delivery guy. May I ask why you are out here all alone so late?” He asked with curiosity.
“Just looking, my name is Emmett by the way.” I said shaking his hand; at least my mom taught me some manners before she went crazy.
“Well you look like you could use some food. Would you like to come to Sarah’s Café and have some of her famous cookies and milk?” Jasper asked after noticing my tattered clothes and gaunt figure.
“Sure! Thank you so much.” I knew he realized that I was homeless. I usually didn’t go with strangers, but I had only eaten a paltry amount of food in the past few days so I decided to go with him.
Once in the café, I saw an old lady around seventy years old, who I figured, was Sarah. She took one look at me and retired to the backroom; once I got to the front she had a plate of the most delicious looking chocolate-chip cookies and a tall glass of milk. She put them in front of me and I dove in. In a few seconds, I was done eating and she started asking me questions.
“I heard from Jasper that your name is Emmett, do you have a last name?” Sarah asked.
“My last name is Longbottom. Emmett Longbottom. Nice to meet you” I answered.
“Nice to meet you too, where is your mother?” Sarah questioned.
“Um… well I don’t really know probably at home,” I replied.
“I see that you have a few bruises on your face and what looks to me like a hand print on you arm. I am starting to get the feeling that you’re not telling the whole truth, but if you talk to me maybe I can help you get out of this quagmire.” She said.
“You are going to help me?” I asked with tears filling my eyes.
“Sure sweetie, tell me and I promise I will get you help.” Sarah answered back with a benign look.
I don’t know why I told her but I did. I told her about my dad and about my mother’s malignant behavior. While I talked, she held my hand while Jasper put a comforting arm around me.
“Well I am going to get some more cookies for you and we can talk some more.” She said getting up and running to the back, asking Jasper to come along.
“Okay” I said a little confused.
She was gone for a long time. I heard a fracas, the sound of pages turning, and a dial tone. That’s when I figured she was calling my mother telling her where I was. I couldn’t believe she was doing this after I told her what happened. I knew in a few minutes my mother would come staggering in to pick me up and bring me home to smack me and say awful things to me. I was getting up from my chair, about to walk out of the restaurant, when Sarah called my name.
“Wait Emmett, don’t go!’ she screamed
I looked at her with petulant disgust and asked, “Why would you do this to me? After what I told you I thought you were going to help me, but you don’t care about me! You don’t care if I live or die.”
“You got it all wrong. Sarah is just trying to help you. She helped me and she is helping you.” Jasper said with pleading eyes
Before I could respond I heard my mother’s shrill voice. “Emmett come with me now!” she yelled in her authoritarian tone. I followed her command and went outside. I turned around to see Sarah jogging behind me, with a grave face. I turned the corner I saw red and blue flashing lights. There were ten police cars surrounding the street. One police officer was holding a gun at my mother. I wished he would fire but he at least he arrested her. First, he read her the legal rights, and he told her to lie prostrate on the ground. The officer put handcuffs on my mother and escorted her to the cruiser. At that moment, I knew I wouldn’t be hurt again by her.
I ran to Sarah throwing my arms around her. “Sorry I didn’t believe you, but thank you so much. I’m free! I’m free!”
After that night my life turned around. I lived with Jasper his apartment, and I worked in Sarah’s Café after school. Also, my mother got sentenced to twenty-five years to life in prison, so she could never hurt me again.
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8 comments:
The conflict of the story is Emmett trying to avoid another beating from his mother. It is an external conflict. It is resolved when Sarah calls both Emmett’s mom and the police which then take her into custody. I was fairly invested in the resolution, but to make it more dramatic, the mom could have arrived, then taken and beaten Emmet and the police could show up while she was doing this. It would make you think that Sarah betrayed Emmett, for a little longer.
The protagonist goes from a boy who doesn’t trust anyone and keeps everything inside, to a boy who is loving and very open. This change shows how one person can change someone for the better; in this case it was Sarah. If this change wasn’t here, the story would end with the mom still beating the boy.
My favorite part was the “happy ending”. It was the resolution. The boy was saved by Sarah and the cops and the mom was put in jail. “She was gone for a long time. I heard a fracas, the sound of pages turning, and a dial tone. That’s when I figured she was calling my mother telling her where I was. I couldn’t believe she was doing this after I told her what happened.” I like this quote, because it gives you a sense of betrayal, and it is very suspenseful.
The tales best quality is the suspense and detail. Like I said before, I like the sense of betrayal. I also like how the first two paragraphs are just describing and the rest of the story is mainly dialogue. This is a good quality for a great story. I also like how the character opens up to Sarah.
This tales theme is probably never given up. Emmett almost gives up on society and people, but a little part of his head knows it is right to tell Sarah everything. It shows how Emmett is really as bad as he could possibly be, but he doesn’t give up hope completely and it the end, this choice rewards him.
I can’t really pick out anything from the story that needs to be fixed, because it is really good. Maybe you can try to develop the character more to make people care about him. Though I don’t think you can really develop him anymore.
YESSS FIRST TO RESPOND!!!
Hey Jenny!
I. The conflict is that Emmett has an abusive mother and he must decide whether or not to return to her or to stay safe outside. It is both an internal and an external conflict, it's internal because he is debating with himself whether he should go home or not as well as xternal because teh physical beating is from his mother another person. It was resolved when Sarah called his mom and the police. He didn't have to go home and his mother was removed from the house hold getting rid of the abuse. I don't think that it could be more dramatic, it is pretty dramatic as is.
II. Emmett changes over the course of the story because he goes from a scared little kid who tries to avoid his home as much as possible to a much happier little kid who lived with people who cared about him. This change is the end of the story it's how Emmett ends up and how it should. The story would be more depressing if Emmett didn't change because that would mean he went from one bad home to the next.
III. My favorite part of the story was hearing that his mother was getting arrested. That made me smile because she definatly deserved it. This occured in the falling action. "I looked inside a stranger’s window." The thing that stood out about this was that I didn't understand how somebody got close enough to somebodys house without getting caught. I mean who goes around now a days looking in windows and those who do are probably thought to be stalkers or burglers.
IV. The best quality of this story is you really made me empathize with the character. You made it seem like one blow after another was being handed to this kid until finaly it was all released and everything turned outr fine.
V. I beleive the theme is be persistant and trust in others. Emmett never gave up he kept waking up each day even though he didn't have a father and he did have an abusive mother. I also think it's trust in others because he needed to trust in Jasper and Sarah to make sure he was safe and to treat him fairly.
VI. It's great Jenny I could have sworn I saw a few grammatical errors but now looking back at it, it looks fine. Check that for me though. :)
The conflict was really sad because Emmett’s mother abused him and so he ran away but he found a man and women who helped with his problem. It was resolved by the police arresting his mother for 25 years in jail. This is an external conflict.
The character changes from first being an abused child from his mom but at the end he becomes free and starts a new life with Jasper and works at the café. This change is important to the story because if he didn’t change, he would have the same horrible life that he has been living since his dad died.
My favorite part of the story was when the police was pointing a gun at his mother and he wanted the police man to shoot. This occurred in the resolution. “One police officer was holding a gun at my mother. I wished he would fire but he at least he arrested her.” I liked how this sounded because I thought it was really funny that Emmett wished that he would shoot his mom.
I think the best quality was developing the protagonist because I could picture exactly what he looked like. The stories theme is that it’s sometimes okay to trust strangers and your not alone in the world. There will always be someone there to help you.
The only thing that you need to revise is like 2 grammar mistakes. You will easily see them if you just read your story word for word. Other than that, it was very good.
The conflict of the story was that Emmett is not on good terms with his mother and is afraid of going home because he doesnt want to be beaten by her again. This is an external conflict. It is resolved when Sarah calls Emmett's mom and the police, and the officers see how badly his mom treats him and take her into custody. Emmett then gets to live with Sarah and Jasper in Sarahs cafe. I was a little invested in the resolution. I think you should've built up the exposition more and have more character development to make the resolution more dramatic. I would've also described the scene with the police more to make it more dramatic.
I think Emmett changes from a boy who doesnt really trust anyone because of what his mom does to him, to someone who learns that there are people in the world who are willing to do nice things for people. Even if they are complete strangers. This change was important to the theme of the story.
My favorite part of the story is when Jasper just randomly goes up to Emmett when he sees him walking on the street by himself. "Hey there little man, my names Jasper and I work at Sarahs Cafe across the street as the delivery guy." At the time, this line seems really random and 'sketchy', but in the end when Emmett's mom is taken away he says something to the effect of, "this is how i met Sarah, she helped me too." This isn't that important to the story but its a little secret that helps you understand the beginning.
I think this story's best quality is the plot. I think it is a very important aspect that really helps the resolution. I think that it was really well thought through, she didnt just start writing and hope something good came of it.
The theme is to never doubt that someone you dont know can do something nice for you. It doesnt matter how big or small that thing is, but never underestimate the power complete strangers have when they help you. Jenny helps get this point across by having Jasper just going right up to Emmett and talking to him.
I think that you should check for spelling/grammar mistakes because i saw some and its a stupid thing to get points taken off for. I also think you should put some more description in some parts and less in others. But overall i think it was a very good story and i liked in muchly. I LOVE YOU!! <33
Hi Jenny!
I really liked your story!
I) The conflict of the story was that Emmett was running from home and he had no where to go. It was an internal conflict, and it is resolved when Jasper finds him alone late at night and brings him to Sarah's Cafe. I was semi invested in the conflict but I think to make it more dramatic you should have had Sarah call Emmett's mother and then not have called the police untill she had noticed that when the mother came she was beating Emmett.
II)I think that the protagonist changes from someone who trusts noone for the fear of being hurt, to someone who needs to trust someone inorder to survive. His great insight was when he realized that Sarah was calling his mother so she could be taken in by the athouraties and never hurt Emmett again. This chabge was important to the story because he knows that now it's ok to be himself because he won't be threaten by beatings anymore. If this change hadn't happened then Emmett probably would've ran back to his house because being on the streets for too long would result in his death so he wouldv'e gone back to the beatings from his mother and wouldn't ever feel safe.
III)My favorite part of teh story was when Jasper found Emmett in the street and was kind enough tio bring him to the place that he knew he would get the help he needed. My favorite part occured in the climax when the conflict was being resolved. “Why would you do this to me? After what I told you I thought you were going to help me, but you don’t care about me! You don’t care if I live or die.” This was teh part where for a short time Emmett went back to not trusting people and he regretted trusting Sarah and Jasper at all in the first place.
IV)I think that this tale's best quality was that she used incredible diction effectively throughout the story. "I am starting to get the feeling that you’re not telling the whole truth, but if you talk to me maybe I can help you get out of this quagmire.” In this she used one of our vocabulary word correctly and it helped the story seem more real.
V)I think that the story's theme is that if you trust in others good things may come to you. She plants the seed at the beginning when Emmett doesn't really trust anyone and then it grows as throughout the stroy he begins to trust people to help him out of the beatings and the tourture of his life at home with his mother.
V)I think this story is pretty good and you should just make it a little more dramatic when his mother arrives so it builds up the suspence, but other tahn that great essay.
The conflict of the story was that Emmett ran away because he was being abused by his mom. It is an external conflict. It was resolved by the mom getting arrested and Emmett going to live with Jasper. The story could have been made more dramatic by adding detail and time to when Emmett’s mom came.
The main character, Emmett, seems to change over time by being more trustworthy. At first he thought that Sara was going to call his mom and tell him where he was, but then he trusted her. His biggest development in the story was that he doesn’t automatically think the worst of people. This is important to the story because if he hadn’t then he probably would have not have lived with Jasper and stuff.
My favorite part of the story was when the mom got arrested. I think this was in the falling action. A quote that stood out to me was “While I was thinking, I bumped into a man. Of course, he noticed that I was all alone and started a conversation.” This stood out to me because it was so random that some guy would come up to someone and just start talking, but I thought it was really cool how he was so nice to Emmett.
The story’s best quality is its use of description. It was really easy to tell where you were, and you could almost feel how cold it is outside.
This story’s theme is that you should give people time to actually tell you what they think. This was shown when Emmett automatically guessed that Sarah was calling his mom, but he was really just trying to help him.
The main thing that the author needs to work on is that she shouldn’t switch so quickly from Emmett thinking that its his mom, then he leaves and the mom is just like, there, but so are the police, so that was kind of confusing. How did the mom know he was there and how were the police there? But that was the only thing I didn’t understand otherwise you did a great job!
Eddy- noun- air wind current- I used it to add description to tell what the weather was like outside.
Tattered- adjective- ragged- I used it to describe what Emmett’s appearance was like.
Gaunt- adjective- thin and boney- I used it to describe what Emmett’s figure looked like.
Paltry- adjective- small or worthless- I used it to tell how much Emmett craved food and that is why he was willing to go with Jasper to the Café.
Retired- verb- to recede- I used this word to tell when Sarah went to get Emmett food in the back room.
Quagmire- noun- a difficult situation- I used this word to tell when Sarah and Emmett were talking about what happened and she offered to help him if he told her what happened
Benign- adjective- kind and gentle- I used this word to describe and develop Sarah so the reader would understand what kind of person she was
Malignant- adjective- bad or evil- I used this word to get across to the reader what kind of person Emmett’s mother was.
Fracas- noun- noisy dispute- I used it to describe what was going on in the backroom while Emmett was out in the Café.
Petulant- adjective- rude- I used this word to describe Emmett’s expression when he figured out that Sarah called Emmett’s mother and how he felt when he was let down.
Shrill- adjective- a sharp piercing sound- I used it to describe Emmett’s mother’s voice and it also help the reader understand what she was really like
Authoritarian- adjective- extremely strict or bossy- I also used this word to describe Emmett’s mother’s voice to describe her personality.
Grave- adjective- serious- This word is used to describe Sarah’s face when she is running after Emmett and his mother.
Prostrate- adjective- lying face downwards- This word is used to describe what the police officer asks Emmett’s mother to do when he is arresting her.
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